Post the Fourth

Hello, world. I'd like to start off by saying that if you like Life of a Pastry, tell your friends about it! And if not, tell your enemies about it! Because I want to feel good about myself when I look at my StatCounter page, and what's the point of shitty poetry without readers?

Anyway, today on Life of a Pastry, I ruin the Laura Numeroff classic, If You Give A Mouse A Cookie.

Don't Give Cookies To Mice, You Fuckin' Idiot

So I'm watchin' TV last night, drinkin' some brews,
when my shitty kid comes up to me and tells me
his pet mouse (or rat, or whatever) asked him for a cookie.
(I was gonna get him a dog, but fuck it, right?
I ain't cleanin' up no doberman shit,
and I ain't gettin' no chihuaha either,
'cause if it fits in a microwave, it belongs in a microwave, that's what I say.)

So anyways, I tell the moron that first off mice don't talk,
and second mice don't eat cookies,
everyone knows they eat cheese and shit.
But he keeps on askin' me if he should give the mouse a cookie,
and he won't stop botherin' me.
So I beat the piss outta him, and he quit askin'.

Anyways, next night I'm watchin' TV again,
when little Mr. Johnny Dumb-shit walks in and tells me, get this,
he gave the mouse a fuckin' cookie! And now the little fucker wants milk!
Well I'm obviously pissed.
Little shit didn't listen to me, and now he wants my advice again!
Of course the asshole wants milk,
he's just a tiny hobo trying to score free shit 'cause he knows he can!
So I yells at him, "I SWEARS TO GOD,
IF YOU GIVE THAT FUCKIN' MOUSE ANY OF MY MILK,
I'M GONNA KILL YOU, YOU SHITHEAD!"
Then I kicked him 'til he cried, just to make sure I got the point across.

Long story short, Dipshit never gave that mouse any milk,
and the little hobo quit beggin' for shit.
I guess the moral of the story is,
when you beat your kids, make sure you kick 'em.
That's how they learn.

--Pastry