You Care Too Much About: Nickelback

Welcome back to Life of a Pastry. Today on You Care Too Much: Nickelback.

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Let me make myself clear from the start: I don't much care for Nickelback. Their music is bad, their lyrics are uncreative, and their name confuses me.

Oh.

And that's pretty much all I have to say about Nickelback. This may come as a surprise, but I don't particularly enjoy talking about bands I don't like.

But you know who does? James Fell. According to James' blog, he has "a flair for humor and sarcasm," which must be true because he just said so.

James Fell

Therefore, as a fellow humor-and-sarcasm flair-haver, I have decided to treat myself to some of James' characteristic humor and sarcasm in the form of his modern classic, "Nickelback Sucks Donkey Balls."

Notice, by the way, his website's domain name: BodyForWife.com. While that may sound like a porn site (a trick that was apparently clever enough to draw in at least one visitor), it's actually a website devoted to helping busy husbands get into shape. Some of you may now be worried about James' qualifications as a music reviewer, but have no fear: James "can actually write," and has "first-rate research skills."

Fell starts his article with the following: "And on the eighth day it was Monday again, and God was hung over, and he took a gigantic, steaming dump, and he called that dump Nickelback."

I'm not going to critique Fell's Biblical accuracy; I've never read the Bible, so for all I know it may very well be the case that God shat out an ancient, immortal band that was not to be discovered for thousands of years. But if that's true, is it really an insult? After all, a lot of people would kill to have been spawned directly from the belly of God himself, even if it's in the form of a holy crap.

In fact, I think James has given the guys a hell of a compliment. Apparently, God took a look at the Garden of Eden after seven days and decided that his perfect world was not complete without the existence of Nickelback.

While we're on the subject of confusion, I wanted to give James another piece of advice: using the words "geez" and "fucking" in the same sentence sends mixed messages. Reading that sentence was like seeing Fred Flintstone tell Wilma to suck his dick.

Hey, you. Suck my dick.

But what bugged me most is the story behind why Fell is writing such a tirade against this "pile of pulsating penile puss" in the first place: he was riding in his car one day, and Nickelback came on the radio. He switched stations, but Nickelback was on that station too. Same with the third station he tried. This made him so mad that what he said could not be posted on the internet. (Apparently it was worse than "pile of pulsating penile puss.")

James, I cannot say I know what type of car you drive, nor am I aware of what brand of radio said car is equipped with. However, I can guarantee you that whatever radio you were using at the time had an "off" button of some kind, or at least a volume knob. At no point was anybody forcing you to continue listening to Nickelback.

Sorry officer, but my radio just WOULD NOT SHUT UP.

And this brings me to my main point. The way I see it, James is acting like a preschooler who shoves pretty girls into the sand. He's afraid of what he likes and makes exaggerated gestures showing how much he "hates" it, but in the end those gestures just come off as pathetic. Hell, I bet James is more obsessed with Nickelback than most of their fans.

Besides, this is all your fault to begin with, James: you're the one that chose to live in their hometown. If Nickelback is really a God-turd, that makes Calgary the Asshole of Our Lord, and you should fucking move.

--Pastry